5 things you learn when you're in a long-distance relationship

There are two opposite spectrums of couples' thoughts on long-distance relationships, fondly called by some as "LDRs". On one end, that it's the most romantic thing that could ever happen to them as star-crossed lovers and on the other, that it's pretty much like putting a death wish on your relationship.

As someone who is currently in an "LDR", I can say that I'm on neither end. I would prefer not to have the long distance between us at all, but I also don't think that it's impossible to get through.

Nevertheless, even if I would choose not to have it this way and wouldn't wish it on anyone else, it's taught me a couple of things that I'm truly grateful for.

1. It's hard.

I'll just go ahead and get this out of the way. I've read way too many LDR-support articles trying to sugarcoat and romanticize the long distance thing, but I'll be the first to admit that it sucks. This is particularly hard for those who started off without the long distance and for the reason that is life, had to choose between doing long distance or ending the relationship. Luckily for me, my boyfriend and I both strongly felt that the latter wasn't even a choice.

Now when you do decide to beat the odds and conquer the distance, I don't think you could ever really plan out how it would go. You think 30 minutes of fully focused Skype a day is a cakewalk? Try 5 minute bursts of WhatsApp at random parts of your day.

And when you do achieve hacking the time difference and synchronizing your free time for a Skype session, it's not always easy to get into the groove of talking. You'd think being away from each other would give you loads to talk about, but no longer being up to date with everything happening with each other in real time actually hinders your capacity for meaningful conversation. You barely scratch the surface with "How was your day?" and "What're you gonna be up to?" when one of you has to hang up or worse, the connection gets too bad and the call keeps getting dropped. Plus, focusing on someone is hard when their face is literally pixels on a screen.

There are some good days, but there are a lot of bad days too. And that's okay. I think that embracing that fact has helped me cope with the whole thing much better than I would have if I tried to deny it. When we went into this, I didn't really anticipate that it's the small things that will get to me, like simply being awake at the same time or getting a hug when you need it. This leads me to my next point...

2. You prove the little things are the ones that matter.

Going grocery shopping together or washing the dirty pile of dishes while he cooks beside you had never sounded so romantic to me before. When you're in a long distance relationship, the distance magnifies the little gaps in your life that being physically together with your partner used to fill.

I find that so many times a day, I see something funny or come up with a thought that I immediately want to share with him but simply sending him a message and waiting for his reply just doesn't do the trick. Of course, a major part of this is wanting to see his reaction and sparking a real-time interaction from it. But even at this day and age when emojis and memes speak louder than words, you're bound to be disappointed by a mere 'lol' or 'haha' sooner or later.

I suddenly missed the times when I could just turn to my side and show him the funny Vine I just found. Man, for the love of all things cheese, what I wouldn't give now just to see the smile on his face or hear him chuckle in person. Even something as mundane as trying to decide what to have for dinner, as long as it's face to face, is something you learn to appreciate.

You start daydreaming about when the next time you could stroke his hair would be or when you could sit side by side again on the subway. It really is true when they say it's the little things!

3. You learn to be more communicative (even if it's against your will).

Giving him a look and him understanding is another one of the little things that you learn to appreciate but will have to put on hold when you're in a long-distance relationship. Your way of communicating simply can't be the same when you're thousands of miles apart. I realized that if I want this to work, I'm going to have to work for it. This means adjusting my way of communicating to make up for the long distance. You know how girls like to be vague and mysterious when they're upset? Yeah, that's not going to work. Sure, you can stop sending him messages. But he's probably still asleep and won't even notice your silent treatment. By the time he wakes up, you would've gotten over it and are already begging for his attention.

Even if he was awake, you realize that even just getting to talk over long distance is already exhausting and you don't have the energy to make too much drama anymore. Your schedules aren't in sync and you only have a limited window of time in which you're both awake and online, so you have to cut to the chase and communicate as clearly as possible.

I know from experience that doing the opposite will only bring frustration to you both and if you're not careful, could escalate into a fight. Fighting over text is bad news for your fingers, and for your heart (you know, when it basically OD's while waiting for THE reply). You spend your limited time of day trying to make up and THEN you can't even cuddle afterwards. (Ugh.)

Clear communication works out for your benefit too though, because you can cut out unnecessary drama that will only bring you down and you can deal with your issues head on. Of course, I'm still in the process of learning this, being a dramatic at heart. But being in a long distance relationship has definitely helped me improve on this aspect!

4. You get schooled on trust.

Going long-distance is the trust-fall exercise of relationships. You basically have your back turned, eyes closed (well, you literally can't see him being miles apart) and you just trust that your partner won't let you fall and get hurt. You can't get around it. When you agree to go long-distance, it's simply a promise to trust.

No amount of checking in will ever make up for living in the same area and being in the same circles. Even when you're busy doing something, your partner is always at the back of your mind and you wonder where he is or what he's doing at that moment.

For some reason I can't explain, the long-distance factor just magnifies all of the worries. Even when we weren't doing long-distance, we wouldn't be together 24/7 and I also wouldn't know exactly what he's doing at every moment but I didn't worry as much because I know that by the end of the day, I would hear from him and we'll see each other.

Now, I get worried sick when my boyfriend doesn't check in with me when he gets home from a party and I spend half my day worrying and getting so anxious when he most probably just ran out of battery and passed out on his bed as soon as he got home.

I'm not even talking about cheating here, although that IS one big issue that you need to trust your partner wouldn't do. In my case, it's more about worrying if he's safe and isn't lying in a ditch somewhere. Okay yes, I'm paranoid borderlining crazy, but being in a long-distance relationship has forced me to control my imagination and trust that my partner wouldn't be careless enough to do something that will cause me any despair.

5. You'll quickly find out if your partner is (or isn't) worth the wait.

All the uncertainty, adjustments, and sacrifices won't come naturally if you're only looking to casually date someone and "see where it goes", or if you sorta, kinda like someone but "don't really know". Chances are you'll be calling it quits before you can say long-distance relationship.

When the easy access is taken away, would you still long for the same person or are tempted to look to other fish in the sea, conveniently within your vicinity?

Being in a long-distance relationship leaves you a lot of time by yourself. While that may be good for spending more time with your friends, being away from your partner also helps you discover whether you really miss your partner or just the companionship.

The distance will force you to take a good look at your partner and evaluate if you really want to be with this person; if this person is worth all the sacrifices becoming an 'LDR couple' entails. At the same time, it says a lot about your partner if they're also willing to make the same sacrifices for YOU and dive into uncertainty while holding your hand through it.

You can only go on and get through a long-distance relationship if you and your partner are both convinced that there's nobody else you'd want, and that's why you're willing to wait until you're physically together again and refuse for the long distance to define you as a couple.

Thankfully, my boyfriend and I are still trooping on. Come to think of it, if we didn't have to go long-distance, I never would've been as grateful as I am everyday to have found somebody who thinks I'm worth going the distance for, and who I am certain is worth the wait.

#day3 #day4 #day5 #ldr #learning