On chores and mindfulness
You know how there are certain things you learn after you move out of the house? Well, I realize there are also certain things you learn when you move back in after having moved out for a while.
For one, I realized that how much I took household chores for granted!
Ok, I probably already realized this to some extent when I was away from home. But now it dawned on me how I don't recall ever feeling the need to help out with chores or tidy up the house.
I was most likely too busy stressing over my academics that I felt like my only responsibility was not to fail my exams. Did I just come out of my room to eat then leave the table for someone else to clean up? As much as I cringe at the thought, I probably did.
And laundry?? How did it get done? I just knew it shows up crisp and clean in my room... It was magic. And I didn't even bat an eyelash, and would complain if a certain top I wanted to wear was missing.
I'm not proud of the fact that I most likely felt like I was entitled to all of this because my only job was to study. Somehow, I got away with thinking that everything else should be taken care of by someone else, or else I won't get to study properly.
It sounds ridiculous now but this is how I thought of it before, even through college.
Culture has a bit to do with it too. Having house help isn't uncommon at all in the Philippines. In fact, I know a lot of people who have life-long nannies or "yayas", who do an all-around job of cooking and cleaning and taking care of their daily needs. I'm not criticizing this at all. For some families, it's simply a given. Their mother's mother had nannies and their children can only expect the same.
Some house help are already 'adopted' into the family that they serve through the family's generations until they retire. Though there is still a certain stigma to this type of work, I don't see why it couldn't be a dignified job where the yayas enjoy their job and their relation to the family. They are needed by the family, and so they are valued.
But I digress. Going back to my point: it's easy to take chores for granted as Filipinos would often have house help to take care of these things for them. This isn't only exclusive to well-to-do families too but even lower and upper middle-class families are also used to having such help.
We didn't have house help anymore by the time I was in college, so I can only imagine how my mother felt. Growing up, we were taught to do chores. But I think that having house help around made it seem superfluous and more like a burden than a responsibility. Whenever it was our turn to wash dishes or whatnot, no doubt we would grumble and complain. I don't think I ever really understood the concept of taking responsibility and doing my duty when it comes to chores when I was a kid. I didn't understand how it benefits me and how it benefits others aside from taking the burden away from them by placing it on me.
We're grown up now and I'd like to think that we're past grumbling and complaining (or at least out loud. hah) But moving back home, I realized how the whole chores thing was never really settled among us. Somehow, we just grew up sometimes having help and sometimes not. And my mother, bless her, most likely just filled the gaps in between. I know that as a mother, she loves to do things for us. But since I've moved out and discovered the reality of chores, I realize a mother's love can't cover up how tiring it is to clean up after a family of six! (Yes, six.)
At one point in our lives, all four of us siblings have lived technically away from our parents. It wasn't all necessarily "moving out" but for a while, it just happened that we lived in separate condominiums that my parents owned. The two were just a 15-30 minute drive away from each other so it wasn't really living a way's away from them, but the day to day didn't include them having to cook and clean for and after us.
Now, we've all moved back in together in one condominium and it's taking a bit of adjustment for everyone. I can't speak for everyone but I CAN feel that everyone's developed different habits and ways of doing things that I can feel a little bit of chaos bubbling under. Of course, in true Filipino fashion, nobody openly talks about it.
Nevertheless, I don't mean to make a big fuss out of it either. After having moved out and living in a flatshare in a different country where things are done differently, I started seeing my family as 'flatmates'. I'm not really certain if this is a good or bad thing.
I don't mean to hold my family to standards that only I have grown accustomed to, but I want to be a good 'flatmate' to them and hold my share of responsibility in keeping our home as home-y as possible. This is something I'll always be thankful I've learned through living in a communal apartment.
Though there's still a bit of trouble every now and then because nobody openly talks about how they want things done, now I'm more appreciative of when my mum prepares dinner, when my dad cleans the bathroom, when my brother takes out the trash, or when my sister washes the dishes.
I've also become appreciative of the very vocal flatmate who wants to settle how everything should be done. I suppose there's no perfect way to do it. But at the end of the day, I think it all boils down to mindfulness.
Being appreciative of what others do and having the initiative to do something for others really go a long way to creating a peaceful (and tidy!) home. Communicating this openly is of course a must as well. There's no need to make a big deal about it, but it also shouldn't be only assumed to fix itself.
To my future self rearing her own household, I hope you never lose sight of this and ever forget to be mindful. Pass it on to your children who will also pass it on to their own households.
